2012 New Year Resolution

Posted on December 30, 2011 by Tim Ong

With the coming of the new year comes the many new year resolutions. It is that time of the year when we feel it is a good time to make changes to our lives, yet many new year resolutions come and go without much, if any, effective change at the end of that year.

Rather than drawing up a long list of things to do and to avoid, for this year I will focus only on one resolution. It is a resolution that, even if I am not able to fully keep it or even if I manage to keep it for a little while, I should still be able to benefit from it. There should be some perceptible difference to my experience of life.

So, for the new year, my resolution is simply to cease criticizing. By this, I mean stop my mental habit of criticizing others and myself. This is a very common mental tendency but most people are not aware that this tendency is very harmful to our well being as well as detrimental to our happiness. So if you want more peace in your life and more positive experiences, then I suggest that you make this your new year resolution as well.

Do not look down on this simple resolution. It may be a simple resolution but it is not an easy one to keep. However, each time I am able to stop myself from criticizing others or myself, I am achieving an important thing.

I am unlearning my mental tendency of focusing on the negative, whether it is the person or the deed, and relearning a new mental tendency of focusing on the positive. In the process, I am also learning to let go of my needs to be right or be perfect, or my need for others to say, act or behave in one way or another that matches my own expectations. In other words, I am learning to accept things and people as they are. I am also learning to accept myself as I am.

As always, all mental cultivation require the skill of mindfulness or heightened non-judgmental self awareness. Thus, in order to be able to keep this single resolution, I will need to constantly remind myself to be mindful of my thoughts and emotions.

So, while this single resolution to cease criticizing may look simple, it is not easy. Changing any existing mental habit is never easy but the fruit is well worth the effort. Do it slowly, one step at a time, and gradually it will become a new and better mental habit that will surely change the way you experience your life.

Remember, a small tweak here can make a huge difference to the quality of your life.

Happy New Year!

 

 

Print Friendly Print Get a PDF version of this webpage PDF

Posted in Letting Go, Living Skills & Issues, Mindfulness | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

How to Find Peace in the midst of Chaos

Posted on November 23, 2011 by Tim Ong

The world we live in today is in chaos. Greed and hatred are seen manifesting everywhere. People are living in fear, feeling a great sense of insecurity and frustration. Government and financial systems are falling apart. Nothing seems to be working.

In a world where chaos seems to reign, is there any hope of finding peace? Here are a few tips to reclaim the peace and sense of safety missing in your life today.

1. Look Within

Instead of trying to fix things outside, let us begin by fixing what is wrong inside – within ourselves. Examine our values, beliefs and the principles we uphold. Take a good and honest look at our motivations. Are our actions motivated by fear or by love?

We are now experiencing the effects of actions that were motivated by greed (financial collapse) and hatred (terrorism). We should know by now that if our motivation is not pure, the end result cannot be good, even if it may look good in the short term.

2. Eliminate Fear and Selfishness

The more we feed fear, the stronger fear grows. We need to recognize and acknowledge the fear within us, and face our fear. Only when we do that can we learn to overcome our own fear. It is possible to live a life without fear. Indeed, that is what ultimately freedom means – the freedom from fear.

Again, when we look at the world outside, we are seeing repressive regimes that promote fear and exploit their people are now having to deal with the backlash of such repressions. Fear cannot sustain itself. Eventually, it will fail.

The same is true for us as well. If we let fear becomes the motivating force in our life – in our behaviors and actions – it will eventually fail us too. If we look closely, we will realize that selfishness is a form of fear. Therefore, we need to eliminate selfishness.

3. Seek Peace within You

Peace is our birthright. It is our true nature, our essence. If we look within and eliminate fear, we will find peace within us. It has been there all the time. Only our fear and selfishness have blinded us and obscure our sight.

If you have been living fearfully all your life, it can be difficult to believe that peace is within you. Yet, you must have faith that this is true. Only then will you begin to seek it within.

Once again, we can look at the world outside to learn that all who seek peace outside have not found it. Only those who seek peace within have found it. Ask the sages and the saints. They will tell you this simple truth.

Put these three simple tips into practice in your life and you will reap the benefits.

I wish for you peace and joy in life.

Print Friendly Print Get a PDF version of this webpage PDF

Posted in Fear, Peace | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime

Posted on November 7, 2011 by Tim Ong

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use
in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life,
Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Source: Unknown

Print Friendly Print Get a PDF version of this webpage PDF

Posted in Living Skills & Issues, Relationships | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

A Look at the Principle of Mutuality

Posted on October 28, 2011 by Tim Ong

The Principle of Mutuality is a universal principle that says that every interaction we have with another is based on mutual agreement. By this, we mean that the interaction must be fair and beneficial to both parties. Only in this way can the interaction become truly meaningful and healthy.

The acceptance of this principle is implied in every relationship. Problems arise when this principle is violated. Violation can be at the conscious level or the unconscious level.

Taking What is not Given

At the conscious level, we violate this principle each time we consciously intent and act to take from others what is not given. This includes the taking of intangible as well as tangible things. Tangible things are things like properties, belongings, money and even this body. Intangibles are things like life, rights, space, time, self esteem, choices, values and trust. Avoiding taking tangible things from others without their explicit permissions is easier as it requires coarser awareness. Avoiding taking intangible things from others, on the other hand, requires more awareness and attention on our part.

We also often violates the principle of mutuality in an unconscious way. By this I mean that we are not fully aware of having violated this principle. Perhaps we did not have the conscious intention to take what is not given to us but due to our lack of self awareness, we nevertheless violated it. To prevent this unconscious violation requires a much higher level of self awareness from us. It requires courageous introspection and the examination of our habitual mental tendencies. Only then can we eliminate this unintentional violation of the principle of mutuality.

Giving Away our Power

Another source of problems with this principle is when we ourselves give away our power to the other party. Most often, we do this unconsciously and unintentionally. When we do not know how to be assertive with our rights, we dis-empower ourselves. When we do not even know our own rights, we do not know what we have given away. Thus, knowing our rights and being assertive are two essential elements to empowering ourselves. Knowledge is required for the former and courage for the latter.

Two to Tango?

The principle of mutuality is a spiritual principle that governs relationships. When adhered to, it can bring forth spiritually fulfilling encounters and outcomes for everyone in the relationships. This is the ideal spiritual relationship. It is a win-win and is conducive to growth and personal transformation.

Although every relationship involves two or more parties, it does not mean that if the other party chooses to violate this principle, you on your own cannot adhere to it. In fact, irregardless of whether the other party is aware of or adhere to this principle of mutuality or not, you can continue to live in accordance with it.

The Right Attitude

All it needs to succeed with this principle is to have the right attitude. What is the right attitude? When interacting with another, ask yourself “How can I make this interaction beneficial, meaningful and fulfilling to all concerned?”

I see this approach working out very well in my work as a general practitioner. As soon as a patient walked into my consultation room, I ask myself “How can I make this encounter a wonderful experience for him/her?” Most people are already quite apprehensive when they see a doctor, so simply by being warm and friendly, and making them feel at ease begins the process of healing for them.

I believe this approach is suitable for all types of interactions, including personal, social and business, and strongly encourage that you give it a try. You would be amazed at the results.

 

Print Friendly Print Get a PDF version of this webpage PDF

Posted in Relationships, Universal Laws | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

5 Ways to Deal with Conflicts

Posted on September 12, 2011 by Tim Ong

Conflicts are bound to arise in our relationships from time to time. Very often, conflicts arise from simple mis-communication. At other times, conflicts are due to clashes of personalities.

Each of us deals with conflicts differently. There are at least 5 ways in which we can deal with conflicts, but not all of them lead to desirable outcomes. Can you identify which of these ways you predominantly use to resolve conflicts in your life?

1. Avoidance
    “It’s not a big problem. Why rock the boat?”

2. Accommodation
    “I’m willing to give up a lot to avoid conflicts.”

3. Aggression
    “I intend to win this conflict.”

4. Compromise
    “I’ll give in a little if you’re also giving in a little.”

5. Problem Solving
     ”If we discuss this honestly and openly, everyone can win.”

Not all of these styles are beneficial in the long run. The first three may avoid or delay conflicts, or kick the can down the road a little, but conflicts are not truly resolved. They may in fact fester and get worse later.

If you are using method 1 and 2, you may not be assertive enough and may in fact be treated like a doormat by others. If you prefer method 3, you may actually worsen the conflicts more often than not. Method 4 gives a satisfactory outcome but the best and most matured method is #5.

We all may use any one or all of the above methods to resolve conflicts in our life but there is usually one predominant style we used more often that the rest. So, can you recognize which is your predominant style in resolving conflicts?

If you are not using method 5, I think it is about time you give it a good try.

Print Friendly Print Get a PDF version of this webpage PDF

Posted in conflicts, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Fight for the Joy of being Defenseless

Posted on August 9, 2011 by Chris Cade

We’ve all heard of stories of Mahatma Ghandi and non-violence, and Jesus advising us to turn the other cheek when struck, but how does that relate to us every day?

I’ve struggled with that very question, especially having been an advocate for “eye for an eye” for many years. It made sense to me that if somebody set a home ablaze, that their home would in turn be torched, and I didn’t understand what was meant by “an eye for an eye makes the world blind.” That just seemed like spiritual nonsense to me.

So often in my life I’ve thought about the “fight.” Not so much in a literal sense with my fists, but rather, on a mental level. The experiences of my youth led me to want to right the wrongs, particularly those wrongs against me, and as mentioned before I saw “eye for an eye” as a means for equal and fair justice. I would “fight” when I’d flip off or honk at another driver who cut me off, when a friend or family member “wronged” me and I felt the need to set them straight or just to be “right” about something. And I definitely “fought” (politely, mind you) when somebody cut in front of me in line.

And while an eye for an eye may deter in some cases, it’s the stark opposite of what historically non-violent leaders like Jesus and Gandhi had in mind; this challenged me even more.

As time has passed, I’ve felt less resonance with “eye for an eye” but for a while still didn’t understand how to experientially learn a differing perspective. Something that really helped bring it together for me is the following quote from Vernon Howard’s book, “Esoteric Mind Power.”

“Have no fear in not knowing what to do about a problem. Fear activates its negative relatives of impulsiveness, ego-protection, and an anxious craving for security.

“Instead, let the mind be still. Never think of fighting, for an answer won by fighting will soon require another answer and another fight.

“The problem exists because of an agitated mind, so when the mind rests from its own agitation, there is no problem at all.”

After reading the above passage, it finally clicked for me. I particularly resonated with the phrase that I bolded, yet I never thought of it that way. Another way to look at this is how some people say “the best defense is a good offense.” However, as I became more in tune with feeling my presence, I began to see that if I feel the need to defend then I will attract into my life people who want to offend. Therefore, if I become defenseless, then the reverse is true and I will continue to attract people of similar nature more and more over time.

Now, I feel more and more compassion than ever before, and I have noticed that there are less situations in my life that I have felt inclined to “defend” or “fight” against. I used to smash spiders when I found them in my home, and now I get a piece of paper and a cup to trap them, then release them outside. Now I eat a strictly vegetarian diet only because I know I wouldn’t kill an animal to eat it, and I don’t feel comfortable having other people kill the animals on my behalf.

If you had asked me a few years ago if I ever thought I might feel this depth of compassion for other beings, I’d have thought your wheels were spinning but the hamster was dead.

I now understand what it mean to turn the other cheek when struck, and why an act of compassion has the potential to be much more influential and transforming than an act of violence in like kind. Even then, I cannot say I am certain that I am yet at that place of presence where I would simply turn another cheek and take a beating like Ghandi and his followers, but I do now understand how to have compassion for all people, including those who have hurt or will hurt myself and others. To put it as concisely as possible, I’ve learned this:

Fighting does not bring us closer to our goals, but rather separates us from them.

This awareness has brought a greater amount of joy to my life than I could have ever imagined. Progressively I’m realizing, and truly and deeply understanding, that it really is my choice how I respond to situations, and that no amount of “fighting” or negative response will change the truth of the situation… the truth that there is only one common element in all experiences in my life – me.

I am the only person I can change, so when I fight against others, whether I realize and feel it or not, I’m actually fighting against myself.

Print Friendly Print Get a PDF version of this webpage PDF

Posted in Fear, Letting Go | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Befriending Your Emotional Pain

Posted on August 1, 2011 by Tim Ong

Mary-Beth came to see me one evening complaining of backache which has been troubling her for several months. There was no injury or fall. The pain just seems to appear out of the blue. A physical examination did not reveal any physical signs. After a couple of attempts to treat her symptomatically, the pain remains. She was eventually referred to a specialist but despite extensive investigations, no physical abnormality was found.

When she came back to see me for further review one afternoon, we decided to try hypnosis to uncover the cause of her backache. It was in this session that we soon discovered a traumatic childhood and the fractured relationship that she had with her mother. Apparently, this fractured mother-daughter relationship was the cause of her backache. After talking and crying, she felt better.

Soon after that session, her backache vanished. It did not come back until about two months later when old family issues recurred.

This story illustrates two important points. The first is that emotional pain can manifest as physical pain. The second is that we often unconsciously leave our emotional pain unattended to until it becomes too big to handle. An emotional pain, like an abscess that is unattended, will eventually fester and burst through.

Many people find emotional pain more difficult to endure than physical pain. We are often so fearful of emotional pain that our normal instinct is to resist it when it arises. Too frequently, we treat emotional pain like a giant, hideous monster, believing that it is dangerous and harmful. Thus, in a knee-jerk fashion, we either run away, fight or hide from it out of fear. Unfortunately, whatever we resist persists and very often grows even stronger.

The truth is that emotional pain, although it may look hideous and dangerous, is actually not harmful at all. It only becomes harmful when we believe it to be so. The very act of believing it to be harmful gives it the power to harm us. If we were to respond to our emotional pain in a counter-intuitive way, by watching, welcoming and even embracing it, we would be surprised by its revelations.

Using mindfulness as a tool, we can become aware of our emotional pain without falling into our mental tendency to judge it, resist it or push it away. It is often a habit of the mind to want to manipulate, control or hide what is emotionally painful and undesirable. This is the first awareness towards befriending our emotional pain. It is a crucial first step as it allows us the space to observe the unfolding of the pain without wanting to change it in any ways.

After some experience with non-judgmental awareness of our feelings, we begin to see that emotions are simply transient processes that arise and pass away, much like a passing cloud. It is not dangerous or harmful when we do not give it the power to harm us through our erroneous beliefs. In fact, after some time, we realize that we can even embrace and welcome these emotions without identifying and clinging to them as ours. In other words, we do not have to personalize these emotions.

In reality, we are living in an impersonal universe. Nothing in it is personal without our own mind personalizing and identifying with it – not our thoughts nor our emotions. The moment we make our thoughts and emotions as ours, we give it the co-operation and the power to affect us. In other words, we dis-empower ourselves.

As we become more skillful at befriending our emotions through non-judgmental self-awareness, we find it easier to be accepting and forgiving. It becomes easier to let go of the unwanted resistance and burdens we have been carrying. We become lighter and find our life more peaceful and easy.

We find inner peace.

Print Friendly Print Get a PDF version of this webpage PDF

Posted in Emotions, Peace | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

The Principle of Mutuality in Relationships

Posted on July 14, 2011 by Tim Ong

There is a universal rule or principle that, if properly practiced and adhered to in every layer of societies, will bring about peace, prosperity and justice for all. This principle is called the principle of mutuality. Elsewhere in the scriptures, it is also known as the Golden Rule or “do unto others as you would want others to do unto you”.

The principle of mutuality is based on the recognition that life is precious to all living beings and that every being has the equal right to life, liberty and self expression, provided that in expressing yourself you do not trample on another being’s similar rights. For this principle to work effectively, there is a need for openness, honesty and courage, and the realization that we are all subjected to the universal law of cause and effect. You reap what you sow.

In practical terms, what this means is that you have the same universal rights as everyone else. You do not have more rights than another. Neither do you have less rights than others. This is irregardless of whether you are rich or poor; a Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or Jew; a European, Asian, African or Aborigine; a male or female; or whether you are smarter or dumber than others. Likewise, in corporations and governments, you have these same rights to demand for equal justice, regardless of whether you are the governed or the governor.

In our relationships with others, this principle is particularly important in bringing about an equal and enriching partnership. When adhered to, it brings about respect for each other, fair play and sharing of roles and responsibilities. It encourages personal and mutual growth, as well as spiritual development. However, putting this principle into practice is not easy as it requires a high degree of self awareness, a non-judgmental attitude and especially the taming of the ego.

The ego has this attitude that “I am more important than you”. Thus we often see how it tries to manipulate every relationship to its own advantage at the expense of others. In a position of power, it will abuse its power. We see this in government and institutional leaders as well as in homes and families. We see this in teacher-student relationships as well. Even among friends, we need to be aware of this dynamics.

If I ask you to examine your own key relationships, such as husband-wife, parent-child, and employer-employee relationships, are you able to honestly say that these relationships are equal and fair for all concern, or are they heavily leaning to one side? One simple way to know whether our relationship is balanced is to see how happy the two persons in the relationship are. If it is well balanced, then both are equally happy. If either one is unhappy or both are, then an unequal dynamic exists. The more it diverts from the center, the more unhealthy the relationship is, and the more important it is for you to do something about it. Leaving such one-sided relationships in status quo only serves to perpetuate this inequality in your relationships as well as in society. In addition, inaction on your part breeds contempt for yourself and squashes your personal and spiritual growth.

Now is as good a time as any to re-examine all your relationships.

Print Friendly Print Get a PDF version of this webpage PDF

Posted in Relationships | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

How to Simplify Your Life in 5 Steps

Posted on July 14, 2011 by Tim Ong

The modern lifestyle is a stressful lifestyle. It is based on the belief that more is better – more things to do, more things accomplished, more gains, more activities, more sense stimulation. Thus the need to have more money and more possessions. However, such a life is not necessarily more fulfilling. In fact, it often leads to a more stressful life, more sickness and more frustrations.

Great rewards await those who can simplify their lives. A simple life can be more fulfilling, more peaceful and more beneficial to you. It can be more conducive to a happier and healthier life, and it can improve your relationships tremendously.

Here are 5 steps to simplify your life:

1. Prioritize

The first thing to do is to spend some time to decide what is truly important to you. Is it your health, time with loved ones or service to community? It might interest you to know that people in their death beds do not worry about how much money or properties they have accumulated. Rather, they are concern about the quality of the relationships they have, and they are particularly worried about any unfinished business or unresolved conflicts with their loved ones. Rather than repairing damaged relationships when we are dying, is it not wiser to cultivate quality relationships while we are still healthy and alive?

2. Slow Down

Do not measure your life by the number of tasks you do each day. Many people squeeze as many tasks as they can into their day, thinking that the more they do, the more they achieve. In doing so, they are able to accomplish more tasks but at the expense of truly living and enjoying the tasks they do. They sacrifice quality for the number. The way to truly live is to slow down and enjoy each moment and task that you do. Make each task meaningful. Be present in the moment instead of rushing through the task. When you have worked out your priorities (in #1), you will be able to know what is important and what is not, and you can then reduce the unnecessary tasks, leaving you with more time for the more important tasks.

3. Discard the Unnecessary

Take time to unclutter your life. Begin by uncluttering your possessions. Look at your table. Check out the storerooms. Are there anything there that you can discard? Are you hoarding too many things in your life? The habit of hoarding is a sign of insecurity, a manifestation of fear. The more things you need to feel safe indicates the more fear in you. Material possessiveness is just one sign of this insecurity. Look within your mind and you will probably see that there are many more sense of insecurity in your thoughts. Learn to let go of those fear too. The more you let go, the lighter you will feel, and paradoxically the less you fear. Remember that there are many people who have been able to live with far less than what you have. Note also that the more you feed this hoarding habit, the stronger it gets and the more insecure you will feel.

4. Reduce Information Overload

Our modern life is bombarded by information from all directions. We are reachable every minute with our mobile phones, and we are constantly connected to news via the internet, emails, social networks and the traditional newspapers, televisions and radios. If we want to find some peace of mind, we need to reduce all these bombardments. We need to be able to switch off our phones, computers, televisions and radios, and reward ourselves with some time free from all these intrusions. We need to spend some quiet and uninterrupted time with ourselves and our loved ones.

5. Learn Gratitude

Rather than cultivating a habit of feeding our wants and needs, which is like a bottomless black-hole that can never be filled, it is more fruitful to cultivate a habit of reducing our wants and needs. Learn instead to be grateful for whatever we have. We can be grateful for all the things that went right in our life, such as the party we planned for our child’s birthday, a wonderful weekend trip with the family or simply spending a restful evening with our loved ones. We can also be grateful for the things that did not go wrong in our life. Many of the things we take for granted can go wrong. For example, our daily trip to work can be met with an accident or a flat tyre or unexpected natural disaster can take just about everything away from us. The fact that they did not go wrong is something to be grateful for. Finally, even if something did go wrong, we can still be grateful for the lesson it has taught us.

When we slow down our life, we get to listen to our heart. We learn to appreciate every moment and every interaction with others more deeply. Our senses can become more acute and sharp, and life is more likely to unfold beautifully before our eyes. Try it and you will find that it is easy to fall in love with the simple life.

Print Friendly Print Get a PDF version of this webpage PDF

Posted in Living Skills & Issues | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

7 Things You Should Know about Mind Power

Posted on May 20, 2011 by Tim Ong

Every since the natural Law of Attraction was popularized to the masses through the phenomenal success of The Secret movie, just about every one is trying out his or her own version of mind power and mental manifestation.

However, there are a few basic things we need to know before we even begin.

1. You are a divine being

Modern man is so pre-occupied with the need to eke out a living that he is only aware of and is focused on his physical existence and needs. He is largely unconscious of his other existence – the formless and limitless mind. Continue reading →

Print Friendly Print Get a PDF version of this webpage PDF

Posted in Mind Power | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment